Ля ля ля

Recently, I am devoting my free time to reading literature because I seriously started considering to write my own novel or at least short story first? As I dug up the little “Archive” of mine, I found out that I have started 2 story and just abandoned those months ago. One went on 2, 3 pages but I am not sure what kind of story I was trying to write down. I think I want my stories to soothing, not causing confusion and bring people their precious memories of childhood or teenage years.

We are left with memories after all… I want to be the scent that brings spring to our imagination. I want to be that one bird flying over your head that allow you to travel way back to Renaissance. I just don’t know what I would like to do anymore. Could I become a radio host? Can I become a novelist? I definitely love writing my thoughts, but does this mean I could become a novelist? Does this mean I shall have a job that requires me to write? No really… Maybe this is just a phase, only a period of time where you like to do something and then just got bored of it. Why suddenly I have become so interested in writing that eager to pursue long term commitment? Why?

Podcasts I have been listening to significantly reflected on my thoughts. I want to do something that is contained part of me in it, representing my mood, state of mind and personality. I am not sure if this passion of leaving something physical in this world in is caused by the fear of being forgotten, and i am not sure if this is common fear among all human kind. But, what I know for sure is, I am so scared to be forgotten after I die.  I want to be remembered and embraced by the my next generation.

It is ironic how your thoughts collide. Part of me think I am a lazy, useless, incapable, bitchy and disrespectful bastard. But the other part of me believes in me and have this tiny string of hope that somehow, deep down I am and I can be the person I want to be. An inspiration. A reason to get up and start digging up for the treasure that one must find to be satisfied.

We all seek for satisfaction after all. More specifically, self-satisfaction. I call it inner-peace.